Like any Nile drinking Egyptian, I love a good “fucked a hooker without a condom” story, but truth by known, I am getting tired of the confined intimacy of taxi drivers, maybe not for so long.
We are now living through a taxi paradigm shift. One by one, these boxy-black eco frienemies are falling out. In their place we’re getting these slick white air-conditioned joy rides, yet there are some things that I’m going to miss. The personal touch for example, BW taxis used to be decorated employing very tacky DIY aesthetic. The element of surprise, where else would you pay an arbitrary fee, depending on your ability to read the person infront of you, for the same exact service.
One thing I wouldn’t miss is the casual relation taxi drivers had with their customer. I don’t know how it started or why but all of sudden it became kind of rude not to sit beside the taxi driver and hold his hand while he’s driving you to your destination. The new taxis offer a much colder and more distant experience, but I’ll take it anyway. In fact hustling with taxi drivers is a very pivotal Egyptian experience and a constant source of agony, one that we all bitch and whine about to the point that writing about it is just so obvious and uninspired. Yet, no list of Egyptian crap would be half complete without it.
I can clearly see the taxi drivers side of this, fuck, they are the ones who live life through this never ending sham that is Egyptian traffic. But you know what, all this bullshit they soak all day, they take it out on me someway or another, and while I don’t wanna say something harsh like that I hate them, I centrality have no love in my heart for these jerks what so ever. Bellow is a list of the different breeds of taxi drivers one might come across, some of the drivers are hybrids of two different breeds so feel free to mix-n-match.
The Storyteller Guy:
The plain vanilla of taxi driver. Storytelling abilities vary as the stories themselves. You got a wide variety of stories ranging from your basic you-wont-believe-what-happened-to-me-today, to the I-fucked-a-hooker and in some rare instances fables in real life context.
The Push It To The Limit Guy:
You say you’ll pay 10, he’s gonna ask for 15. You start with 15 he’s gonna go for that 20. They are harmless as long as they do it in a I-might-as-well-ask manner, but some of them get real rowdy, avoid those at all costs.
The Daredevil Guy:
Hard to tell at first, but within seconds of hitting the road you’ll notice that things keep getting progressively fucked. Like a frog in boiling water you won’t notice that one until it’s too late. A common excuse they tend to give is that some daddy’s boy cut them off or is pushing their buttons.
The “Walked Into The Middle Of A Story” Guy:
A psychedelic variation of the storyteller; You hop in and the minute your ass touches the seat it hits the resume button on some story he’s been telling the passenger before you. Feels like walking 15 minutes late to a movie, you’re confused and don’t know what the hell is going on. Caution: don’t ask him to fill you in, show any signs of confusion or else you’ll be walking right into his trap.
The Zawahiri Guy:
Easy to tell; Load Quran or Islamic lecture, occasionally asks you if you prayed or not. Harmless but potentially annoying, depending on your mood.
The Eyeballer Guy:
If you’re a fella riding with him, he’ll slow down everytime he comes across any thing with two holes between its legs, then proceed to eye rape the shit out it. Some of them also are whiny as fuck. Hate those dipshits because they are the personification of hypocrisy.
The Cool As Ice Guy:
Mid 20’s, listening to Nogoom FM or some badass (read shitty) Arabic pop via his mp3 player, car all pimped out, wholesome and very friendly. Some though, suffer from The Fast and The furious syndrome.
The Shortcut Guy:
Would rather die than take a regular route.
The Carpooler guy:
Always stopping to trying to persuade people to join his party. Sometimes the taxi would be full but he would still stop for people as if it’s a freaky gag reflex.
The Bold Face Lair:
You agree on a fee, you get it and then he starts sweet talking his way into getting more. By the end of the ride he’ll say that he didn’t really agree, he was merely just going along, and that there is no way in hell he would’ve picked you up if he knew that you really were planning to pay what you said you’ll pay. It’s the same logic that drives men to kill their family to “protect” them.
The “I Don’t Know The Way But I’ll Act As If I Know Any Way” Guy:
This one is the worst, they’ll say yes to any thing, and by the time you find out that he’s acres full of shit and he realizes he’s getting way to little money for the drive the real ride begins. These guys are extra shitty because you can’t really tell them until it’s way too late. Fuck them, fuck them up their stupid asses.