Ramadan TV: Ganzoury Edition

22 Aug

6 shows that could’ve benefit from Cairo’s number one party boy’s presence

“Van Gogh would’ve sold more than one painting if he’d put tigers in them.”
Calvin from ‘Calvin and Hobbes’

The downward spiral our entertainment is ever-so-gently sliding into is a testament to producers lack of foresight and their creative bankruptcy. 2010’s Ramadan might have defied the global economic crisis by pouring in  750 million LE into a buffet of televised numbness, but all the money in the world can’t elevate the hours of vanity into viable TV. The quick and dirty solution would’ve been to just let Ganzoury’s take care of businesse. So in the sprit of what-could-have-been, here is ham-fisted reimagining of the month’s top shows with Ganzoury’s mug superimposed into one of their scenes.

Bi Lesan Mo’aredik


While Tony Khalife holds no reservations about grueling his guests for juicy revelations, he lacks the insight into the famous person psyche. Ganzoury, a long scholar of fame — and to a larger extent the human condition — dedicated long spans of his career examining the subject. What were the ‘F**k me I’m Famous’ parties other than a tribal mediation on stardom set to house beats and disco balls?

In his version Ganz will drop the façade and skip to the meat of the matter. He won’t trouble his B,C, and all the way to Z, guest celebrities with useless introductions and teasing questions to butter them up; Instead, he’ll ask him hard pressing questions about their favorite spots to par-tay; If they ever made up a catch phrase before, and inquire about the number of parking valets they pressed a hard iron against their face.

Aiza Atgwez


The problem with Aiza Atgawez is not Hend Sabry’s overacting that puts every Looney Tunes character to shame, or the staggering episodes of backwards feminism — By now the show has successfully restored the balance upset by feminist bitches demanding equality. Mother nature intended for women to seek husbands to provide them with kitchens as the perfect incubation for them while they gain all that healthy weight — The biggest problem with the show is its concept.

The hardship of finding a life partner is a topic so disconnected from the cultural zeitgeist that they have might as well made it about a cat trying to score catnip and it would have struck a more relevant chord. Instead it should’ve been about something more timely, like for example the urge to party hard. Zory could play the perpetually tormented soul looking for that one epic rave to fulfill his burning desire to wave glow sticks all night long. Something all 20-something single women can relate to.

Al leka’ EL mostaheel


Respected historical figures and the actors who love them. Who gives a stinky shit. Give the people what they want, a Ganzoury divided against himself having a tangible case of multiple personality disorder in front of a camera. At least the sixteen viewers of the show can have better understanding of the intricate mind of the top party-organizer of his generation. Sorry Ghandi, we know you’re all about peaceful resistance and leaving behind an enormous body of obnoxious quotes to be used in movies like The A-Team, but we’re not hating on you shaved-head bro, it’s just all we really want is the G-man.

Fawazeer Myriam


Sure, Myriam Fares might have a cushy behind, but god can she be annoying. Can you even speak with an Egyptian accent Ms. Fares, cause I don’t know what freakishly bizarre dialect  you’re speaking in your Fawazeer. It ain’t one I heard before, nor do I want to ever hear again. Fawazeer is a dated concept any way. You mean to tell me that after eating a kilo of Mahshi and washing it down with a pint of Qamar El Din there will be any blood left in my body not going directly to my stomach. How am I to muster enough brain power to solve, not one, but three riddles? And why even bother wearing a belly-dancing suite if you’re already covered head to toes with spandex? Is there a sans-spandex version of the Fawazeer we’re going to see after Ramadan?

Here is what I want to see. Russian go-go dancers handpicked according to rifle-zory’s classy taste, not your stupid rendition of ‘bestek bestek bestek, nao’.

El Kbeer Awi


There is no denying that Mekki got them comedic chops in spades. But look at what happened; After shooting only the first 15 episodes, the funny-man suffered a crippling leg injury. And do you know how it happened? He hurt himself dancing! With all due respect to H-Daboor and the tragedy, it’s obvious that the role required someone with more flair on the dance-floor. Did someone say Ganzoury? Heck yes someone did.

Now instead of comedy, stories, and seeing a guy with a hot-pink Mohawk, how about something with more heft. Say a 30 minute slideshow of pictures of Ganz engaged in the activity formally known as partying – now known as pulling the Ganz – to be repeated from now until the end of time and everything.

Al Gamaa


Now that’s tricky. one I don’t want to offend any fanatic or get a fatwa against me — I heard that Ganzoury is really strict — I’m just playing the devils advocate while having a poor-choice-of-words day. So the show is ostensibly chronicling one of the most seminal movements of our time and the story of its founder. Hmm, I wonder which other “raving” movement and its “wild” leader they could’ve covered? It would’ve been Ganztastic.

(Note: Rejected Campus Article)

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