Aiza Atgawez: A show about a girl who doesn’t know what a dildo is.
Al Kabeer Awi: Ahmed Mekki owns a Now 95 CD.
Zay El 3asel: A social experiment in which 3 home grown egyptians set out to find if there are any one left with their testicles intact.
Bi Lesan Mo’aredik: Tony Khalife consistently uttering the word “gens” and getting away with it because of his classical arabic inflection.
Fawazeer Myriam: Myriam Fares’ ba-dunk-adunks.
Al Gamaa: Waheed Hamed is back against the Akhwan Moslmeen, and this time it’s personal.
Bedoon Rekaba: The hussy and the washed up actor.
Rob3 Meshakel: Mohamed Henedi’s wet dream.
Sheikh Al Arab Hammam: The show all of Egypt is not watching.
Cleopatra: 30 episodes that has nothing to do with cigarettes.
Out of the deluge of lame expressions and trite catchphrases that came out since the dawn of reality TV, it was only the metroflexible ‘New-Look’ that stuck to our vernacular’s web. This new be-all end-all neologism has a certain crass oomph to it. It also comes with a promise: A change for the better. So in the spirit of New Lookness, lets scoop from this bottomless can of hair gel and see what our highly refined palette is going to pick.
New Look is the new I’m Going to Change
Ever since Sha’bola made his publicized vow for change – He was going to quit smoking, start resistance training, and drink milk that comes from a container not straight from the cows tit – and the Sha’bi crooner hasn’t changed as much as a note in his songs. I’m not going to hold it against him, he puts a lot of time and effort making sure his suites matches the couches he sits on, and he did attack Israel in one of his songs, so respect. But this aspiration for the better has long daunted our thoughts after smoking the last joint, and although deep down we all know we ain’t going to change shit, it’s nice to entertain the thought every once in a while.
New Look is the new Rewish (Cool)
Part of the metamorphosis the phrase went through once washed in the Nile is that it got voided from any actual meaning. It’s now an all-encompassing flag for any thing trendy. That’s why all hairdressers have it tagged on their signs and flyers and why most teenagers substituted it for their last name on facebook. Bonus points given to the phrase cause it also rhymes with the name of the social network.
New Look is the new Stereo
One look at a music Kiosk and all the posters will tell you this is a New Look record. No one knows exactly what it means though; most probably someone must have started it out of confusion but now it has gotten way out of hand. The new Tamer Hosny album poster is the most perplexing of all; in it, the New Look tag takes sizable space yet his shit-eating grin looks exactly the same, leading to the conclusion that the label must be referring to some sort of new sound technology that infuses music with even more sappiness.
New Look is the new Chic
Leaning towards a more classical interpretation, New Look is also used as an excuse for horrid fashion choices–predominately by dudes; Chicks have Makeover and guys get New-Look. All these extra tight acid washed cheap jeans and flamboyant shirts worn callously by misguided Egyptians are a testament to the powers of New Look. How about Old Look for a change, be ahead of the curve and wear something less provocative, like your dads shitty underwear over your head. Old Look is going to be the new New Look. Say that 20 times and huff a can of a cheap body spry, you’ll get it.
Hey fagot, put down the Jack Daniel’s whiskey bottle and drink this non-alcoholic beer like real men do. Pufft, you’re such a dripping pussy what with you not drinking non-alcoholic beer and fucking all the women–Man the fuck up and gulp that zero percent brew down your throat pronto.
By assuming there’s someone out there who doesn’t get the staggering irony in Birell’s marking campaign I’ll already sink too low, almost scraping the button of the barrel where Birell hatched their Masculinist scheme–what kind of fucked up idea of masculinity is being sold here? And since when do we hold group interventions for queers.
Among the lessons of manhood Birell has forgot to mention is. You’re only a fag if you get porked in your ass not the other way around; Always piss while standing up; A woman’s mouth is for sucking cock, a mans mouth is for sucking Birell’s bottleneck. You should never let a woman look you directly in the eye for more than 5 seconds as it’s a sign of disrespect. And you manually refill a bottle of Birell by ejaculating in after masturbating to Ricky martin.
Here is the real elixir of manhood, the real Birell, drink that.